Big Bullies: 3 Tips for Diffusing Overbearing, Harassing Parents
Kids don’t have the bully market cornered. Sadly, there are loud, aggressive, obnoxious, and ill-tempered adults who attempt to intimidate and humiliate others every bit as much as the meanest youngster on the playground. Parent bullies can make life miserable for everyone around them, whether they show up at a ballgame, dance practice or other public place.
These big bullies are easy to recognize: they’re the overbearing ones shouting from the sidelines, berating referees, coaches and kids alike, and grousing on and on about their child’s abilities or inabilities—and maybe your child’s, too. They make unruly demands, while complaining incessantly. The concepts of teamwork, sharing and working together for the greater good are totally lost on them. They thrive on dishing out mostly emotional and verbal abuse, not only to children but to other adults as well.
Like a game of King of the Hill, the goal of an adult bully is to gain power over another person and make himself or herself the dominant adult. They try to humiliate victims and “show them who is boss.”
It may seem strange to envision parents as bullies, but they can be. Parents who are overbearing, constantly belittling their children or seeking to be controlling, and enforcing rules with a heavy hand, may be crossing the line into bullying behavior, according to the website BullyingStatistics.org. Indeed, there is a difference between correcting a child’s inappropriate behavior and constantly trying to control every aspect of that child’s life.
How do you deal with these big bullies? How can parents diffuse the bully-induced conflicts created by adults since they frequently occur in public settings or around children?
1. Remain calm and talk it out
While it can be difficult, the first thing you should try is to talk to the adult bully. Attempt to work out differences in a calm, rational way. It is possible for people to change if they realize others are sincerely concerned. On the other hand, be prepared for rejection.
Most parents want the same things for their children, but they go about getting it in very different ways, according to James Lehman, MSW, who blogs at EmpoweringParents.com and recently wrote about “The Bullying Parent: Why Aggressive Parenting Doesn’t Work.” When an aggressive or senselessly rigid parent learns other parenting skills, they’re in a better position to teach their children effective ways to manage the world around them, Lehman says.
So don’t lose your cool around adult bullies. Continue to act responsibly and lovingly toward your children and others. It’s important to model appropriate behavior if we are to expect the same of our children—and other parents as well.
2. Report to authorities
If talking and modeling good behavior doesn’t work, talk to authorities at the school or organization where problems arise, or even with law enforcement. If the authorities can be alerted to situations or locations where bullying is taking place, they can step up “patrols” or monitoring in those areas to discourage bullying.
If you can document the bullying, there are legal and civil remedies for harassment, abuse and other forms of bullying. But you have to be able to document the case. Understand that adult bullying is a serious problem and may require legal action.
3. Avoid the big bullies
After reporting abuse to a supervisor, person in charge, or the authorities, sometimes the next best step is to ignore and try to avoid the big bully when possible. Turn and walk away from a situation where a parent is in bully mode. With no audience to impress, a prime bully situation may be diffused quickly.
By increasing awareness and working together, responsible parents can help reduce or prevent this type of abuse and ensure that the occasional adult bully doesn’t get a platform for such boorish behavior.
Need more advice on how to handle adult bullies?
Here are some helpful articles and websites that explore the issue:
Responding to an Adult Bully (WikiHow)
How To Stand Up to Adult Bullies (Jezebel)
Life After Adult Bullying