Tips on Parenting a Child with Social Anxiety
John is an 8-year-old boy who is scared to go to school. He believes he cannot make good enough grades and that all the other kids make fun of him. John’s parents have tried encouraging, coaxing and threatening with no success. They are at a loss about what to do.
When should they be concerned and what can they do to help?
Between the ages of 6 and 11, children begin to look outside the family for relationships. School performance and friendships become important. Due to personality differences this is scary and anxiety-producing for some children. Many children express worry or anxiety about grades, school performance, sports performance, punctuality, family issues, health, and other common stressors. When the child cannot control his worry, is excessively hard on himself, constantly strives for perfection, seeks constant approval and the worry significantly interferes with normal activities, it might be time to seek professional help. This is a decision John’s parents will have to make.
What can parents do to help this type of child?
• Make sure they get adequate sleep, good nutrition and exercise.
• Ensure predictability at home.
• Use effective discipline, enforce consistent and firm rules.
• Help them find friends they can trust.
• Encourage them to participate in social and physical activities.
• Raise the child’s self-esteem through setting up situations where they will succeed.
• Praise, encourage, reinforce strengths, show an interest in their activities, and show them love.
• Teach social skills and manners. For example, how to look at others when they speak, how to speak up for themselves and get their needs met.
• Read books about shy or anxious children with the child.
• Specifically related to the fears, allow and encourage the child to express the feelings of fear or anxiety.
• Do not criticize or label the child because of this fear. Be understanding and really listen.
• Allow the child to express these feelings without fear of punishment or judgment.
• Help the child understand fear is normal and how it helps us pay attention when things may be unsafe.
• Review if the fear they are expressing is unsafe for them.
• You may have to go slow and steady to get them to deal with the fear. If you push too fast, they may get more scared or resistant.
• Help the child think through the situation when they are not in the middle of the crisis and can think more clearly.
• Set up the experiences, reinforcing their strengths and showing that you believe they can succeed in the situation.
• Encourage any action you see in the event that shows movement or confidence in facing the fear.
• Teach the child to take deep breaths, in through the nose and out through the mouth to calm themselves.
• When talking through the fear, you might ask questions like: What are you worried about? What is the worst thing that could happen in this situation? What is the best thing that could happen in this situation? How likely will the worst happen? How likely will the best happen? Can you prevent this from happening? Does worrying prevent the situation from happening?
• Enhance the activity by rewarding success. This may be done by spending special time with the child, praising the success.
• Encourage repeated success.
Most children will respond well to these suggestions, if John does not show any movement and the fear and anxiety is impairing his ability to be successful, professional help might be necessary. Call your local outpatient therapy provider.