For first-time parents, few things are as unsettling as witnessing yesterday’s gurgling bundle of joy morph into today’s screaming, thrashing hellcat. However, virtually no parent escapes the claws of toddler tantrums.

“Temper tantrums are expressions of an unmet need,” says Sharon Long, parent education coordinator and trainer for Centers for Youth and Families of Little Rock. “Temper tantrums are the child’s way of expressing a need for, typically, attention, power and control.”

Long says these motivators, coupled with a child’s limited range of options for expressing themselves, are often what launch an otherwise mild-mannered 3- to 5-year-old into full-blown meltdown.

Knowing how to effectively handle temper tantrums, in all their irrational, top-volume and public glory, isn’t something that’s only important in the moment. Failure to address in an appropriate manner almost guarantees future outbursts will not only continue, but likely multiply in frequency and intensity.

The most immediate strategy for handling temper tantrums, particularly those played out in public, is to control the environment. If the little darling chooses a birthday party or Christmas church service to pitch a fit, remove them from the environment that’s providing an audience.

How you do this is equally important. For a child in that state, any kind of attention will do, thus your glare or verbal correction does more to validate the behavior than discourage it. Removing them without a word or a look gives them nothing.

Long says dealing with tantrums takes a little legwork on the parents’ part, first to determine the child’s precipitating event, or, the conditions, time of day and subject matter triggering the negative behavior.

“We want to look at what happens right before that tantrum,” Long says. “Does the child always go through it at 8 o’clock because they’re tired or at 4-5 o’clock because they’re hungry?”

Once the parent knows when the child tends to act out and over what, they can begin to re-order how the child prioritizes their actions, based on payoff. Simply put, the parent pre-emptively gives the child what they want—and more of it—as a reward for good behavior at other times of the day.

“We want to make sure we attend to their positives,” Long explains. “If I know they go off at 8 o’clock, then I better be sure I stop and attend hard and strong at 6 and 7 o’clock.”

These attends—praising their manner of play, reading with them or otherwise taking an active interest in their right actions—reinforce the acceptable ways to get what they want. But, Long cautions, such attends must be sustained and substantial.

“I’m not doing anything else, I’m not looking at my phone, I’m not cooking, I’m not talking to anyone else,” she says. “I want 10-15 minutes of pretty straightforward attending.”

Remember, this strategy works long term, meaning it’s not a magic bullet. You might have an initial one- or two-night reprieve, but the tantrums will likely return. That’s where Long’s final parenting skill comes in as reinforcement of the desired outcome.

“Have great active ignoring skills,” she says. “To actively ignore, break eye contact, break physical contact as much as possible, and this is the most important—break verbal contact. If you open your mouth again, if you sigh, if you roll your eyes, if you glare, you’ve lost.”

Read More About It

Long says there are a number of good resources on the subject, both for parent education and to share with children. Some of her recommendations include:

For Parents:

“Parenting the Strong-Willed Child” (2010) by Rex Forehand and Nicholas Long, Ph.D.

“Positive Discipline for Preschoolers” (1998) by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D.

“The Irreducible Needs of Children” (2000) by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Stanley I. Greenspan, M.D.

For Children:

“Calm-Down Time” (2010) by Elizabeth Verdick