Bullying is a widespread and serious problem that can happen anywhere — and at any age. In fact, the top years for bullying are 4th through 8th grades, during which 90 percent of students reported being victims of some form of bullying, according to BullyingStatistics.org.

The site also reports that each day, about 160,000 children miss school out of fear of being bullied.

The scary thing is that bullying is not a phase children have to go through, it is not “just messing around,” and it is not something simply to grow out of. Bullying can cause serious and lasting harm — so it is important for parents to understand what bullying is and how to detect and disarm bullying behavior in their own children.

What is a Bully?

Although definitions of bullying vary, StopBullying.gov lists three defining factors:

  • Imbalance of Power: People who bully use their power to control or harm, and those being bullied usually have a hard time defending themselves.
  • Intent to Cause Harm: Actions done by accident are not bullying; the person bullying has a goal to cause harm.
  • Repetition: Incidents of bullying happen to the same person over and over again by the same person or group.

These incidents can take on many forms. Examples include:

  • Verbal: name-calling, teasing
  • Social: spreading rumors, leaving people out on purpose, breaking up friendships
  • Physical: hitting, punching, shoving
  • Cyber: using the Internet, smartphones or other technologies to intimidate or embarrass

Why Do Bullies Bully?

Many people think bullies victimize others because they’re loners who suffer from low self-esteem. In reality, researchers have found that kids who bully often have average or even above-average levels of self-esteem.

Bullies often have good leadership skills, have an easy time making friends, and therefore have large friendship networks. In fact, the Health Resources & Services Administration reports that “children and youth who bully usually have at least a small group of friends who support or encourage the bullying.”

Here are more reasons why:

  • Bullies have a strong need to be in control and exert their dominance over others.
  • Bullies are rewarded for their bullying behaviors by receiving peer praise and little adult intervention or punishment.
  • Bullies lack empathy and may even get pleasure out of causing other people pain.
  • Bullies lack the ability to self-regulate emotions.
  • Bullies are heavily influenced by their family, home life and backgrounds.

Is Your Child a Bully?

There are many warning signs that could indicate a child is bullying others. These warning signs may indicate other issues or problems as well.

Does your child...

  • become violent with others?
  • get into physical or verbal fights with others?
  • get sent to the principal’s office or detention frequently?
  • have extra money or new belongings that cannot be explained?
  • often blame others quickly?
  • avoid accepting responsibility for their actions?
  • have friends who bully others?
  • feel the need to win or be best at everything?

How to Disarm a Bully

To help your child stop bullying, talk with teachers, guidance counselors, and other school officials who can help you identify situations that lead to bullying and provide assistance. Your doctor also might be able to help. If your child has a history of arguing, defiance and trouble controlling anger, consider an evaluation with a therapist or behavioral health professional.

As difficult and frustrating as it can be, remember that bad behavior won’t just stop on its own. They won't just grow out of it. Think about the success and happiness you want your children to find in school, work and relationships throughout life, and know that curbing bullying now is progress toward those goals.

(Michelle Young is with Arkansas Centers for Youth and Families.)