This month marks the 10th anniversary of the horrific terrorist attacks on our nation on Sept. 11, 2001.

It’s a given that memorial coverage of the attacks, documentaries and news segments will blanket TV programming, making it difficult to shield your children from graphic images and videos and unnerving interviews that reveal the horrors of that day. Children born after September 2001 are now at the age where they comprehend more of what’s being said on TV, which means one thing: questions.

Unfortunately, there’s no cheat sheet for parents on how to answer hard-hitting questions. Subjects like death, war, natural disasters — and the destruction and devastation that follow  --aren’t topics parents choose to discuss with elementary-age kids. But kids will ask, and parents will have to answer.

“Why?”

Many parents are skilled at navigating questions about unpleasant events, but “why?” is the one that typically stops them in their tracks. “Mommy, why did the tornado happen?” “Why do people die?” “Why did God let those people’s homes get destroyed?”

Darren Irby, national executive director of marketing for the American Red Cross and Little Rock resident, says that honesty is the best policy. “Honesty is the most important part to properly responding to your child’s ‘why.’ Lying only destroys their trust in you or makes them feel even more afraid of the mysterious matter,” he says. “It’s OK to water down the details, but you shouldn’t avoid the tough questions altogether just because they’re tough.”

For example, one Little Rock Family staff member reported that her 11-year-old son asked why people jumped from the towers, after seeing it on the news. She and her husband candidly explained the victims jumped because they didn’t want to wait to burn to death. Irby says it was the right response. “Curiosity can turn to worry and then anxiety. By answering the questions truthfully, [those parents] did a good thing; [they] relieved some of the curiosity, worry and stress that avoiding the question or glossing over it could have caused.”

Janet Breen, an outpatient therapist for Methodist Counseling Clinic & Kaleidoscope Grief Center, agrees. “It is never too early for honesty, and honesty is always the best way to handle loss, devastation and death.” Besides being critical to healthy parent-child communication, honesty is also the easiest route. “The challenge,” Breen says, is explaining what happened in an age-appropriate manner, “in a way that they will best understand.”

Tough Talk Tips

With 10 years of experience in disaster relief (including 9-11), Irby has mastered the art of heavy conversations with adults. Still, he admits that he’s still learning when it comes to his own children Belle (5) and Hart (7).

“Even though my job has been communication during disasters like the Oklahoma City federal building bombing, the World Trade Center attacks and Hurricane Katrina evacuations, responding properly to innocent inquiries from children -- especially my children -- is a big challenge,” he says.

In spite of that, however, Irby employs several strategies with his own children that other parents can easily adopt when communicating adult subject matter to youngsters. Breen also has a go-to list of strategies.

  • Encourage questions. “Encouraging the child to ask questions, validating their feelings and providing positive outlets for their strong emotions about the event are helpful,” Breen says.
  • Be age-appropriate. “The amount of detail parents share should be based on the maturity level of the kids,” Irby says.“The younger the child,” Breen cautions, “the less they need to know. Parents can explain an accident, disaster or death to them in general terms so that they understand the person is hurt or died and will or will not be getting better or coming back home. Children as young as 3 can state that someone has died because they hear it from others, but generally, they don’t know what that means.”
  • Incorporate your beliefs. “It’s important that parents share their spiritual and philosophical beliefs with their children to help them develop their own identities and to make sense of their world,” Breen says. Parents should let their beliefs dictate their answers about disasters, both man-made and natural, Irby adds. Some of these beliefs can bring comfort to children or mitigate their fear.
  • It’s OK to say “I don’t know.” If parents don’t have an answer, turn it around on the child and say, “‘I don’t know, that’s a good question. What do you think?’” Breen suggests. This will help the child explore their thoughts and feelings about the matter.
  • Talk and listen. Give kids as much information as they are interested in (and listen when they talk about it), Irby says. 
  • Regulate TV time. National news channels, informational channels like History and A&E, and basic cable news segments regularly re-play coverage and documentaries on war, tragedies and disasters. Irby advises parents to monitor use of TV “so there is less chance that children will see video or hear things that none of us (even adults) need to be reminded of or could cause expanded anxiety.”
  • Use more than words. Irby says online resources, like the coloring sheets and activities found at RedCross.org, are a good starting point for parents facing difficult questions. “This is a great thing to do as a family to get the conversation going.”
  • Don’t pass the buck. “Kids want their parents’ reassurance above all else.” Breen says. “The ideal person to respond to the child is the parent because they are invested in the child’s wellbeing, and they already have a trusting and nurturing relationship.”
    Language and action steps 
    for parents

Knowing What to Say

The following are sample questions and language & action steps for parents when facing tough questions.

Q: Why did it happen? A: Because there are people that make bad choices and do bad things. I wish this wasn’t the case, but it’s true. (Be careful to not talk about “bad people,” but talk about people that make bad choices. This is something that kids can generally understand).  

Q: Will it happen again? A: The exact same thing? Probably not, but something else could happen so we should be as prepared as possible.  

Q: Can it happen to me?  You?  Us? A: Yes, but that’s why we are preparing as much as we can as a family. (Build your disaster kit together as a family or talk about a disaster plan). Life is full of risks and some things happen that we can’t always control.  For example: “Remember how I say be careful on your bike? Sometimes you can still fall and that’s a risk.  Life is full of risks and sometimes even bad things happen to good people.”

Q: Will those people be OK? A: It depends. I hope there are a lot of people around them that can help. (This is a good time to talk about rescue workers and other folks that help after something bad happens).

Q: Can we help? A: Yes. Let’s figure out as a family the best thing we can do to help. (Get involved in relief efforts locally or nationally.)