Comparing our children is a no-no, but we all do it. In passing conversations, we might say "Oh he's my quiet one." Or "He took all of the athletic genes and left her with none!" Siblings whine about the injustices of life, and keep a keen eye on which child gets what and when. If one child has a disability, however, and one child doesn't, a unique set of questions arise. How much information should you share with the "typically developing" child? How do you talk to your child with the special need about their disability? As limitations become more apparent, what do you do about house rules when they simply can't be equal? Below, both experts and experienced parents share what has worked for them when navigating with such delicate issues.

All experts agreed that open communication is a must for all siblings. Toby Glick, a school psychologist in Pelham, New York, presents workshops titled "Sibling Relationships in Special Needs Families" and consults frequently with parents regarding this issue. Because most children sense that they are developing differently from their siblings, she suggests parents discuss the disability to the typically developing child early on. Explain why the brother or sister with a disability may need extra help or attention in certain areas. As the children get older, the parent can start to discuss the diagnosis and what the diagnosis means. By talking openly about it, Glick says feelings of anger, guilt, shame, and fear can and should be recognized and accepted.

Laura Shumaker agrees. She discussed her oldest son's autism with his younger brothers at a very early age. She kept things simple in the beginning, explaining that their older brother's brain "worked differently and that it made it hard for him to learn and make friends." By discussing what their older brother needed help with and why, she cleared up any questions or misconceptions the younger children may have had. This practice also helped the younger sons learn how to assist their older brother.

Play up the strengths. Mary Calhoun Brown, award winning author of "There Are No Words," has a son with Asperger's Syndrome and Sensory Integration Dysfunction. She and her husband were always very up front with their son about his disability. She was concerned, though, when her younger children began receiving invitations for play dates and parties - something her older son did not receive many of. "Our oldest son was so confident in who he is and the life he had settled into that he was very supportive of [his younger siblings]," she said. "He has wrapped his self-esteem up in being an excellent student, and even attended Harvard Summer School this past summer as a 15 year old."

Many parents of children with special needs advise finding one thing that each sibling has a passion for, and is competent at, whether it is theater, building, or sports. The goal is not perfection or even winning awards, it's finding a natural love and talent so each child has something that gives them fulfillment.

Celebrate the differences. Considering the world we live in, teaching empathy and diversity in a real world setting will give your child a head start in a multi-cultural world. Mother of an autistic son, Mary Gardner encourages her family to expect, welcome and appreciate the differences in people. "My son knows he's different. But he knows that everyone is different," she said.

Kirk Martin, Behavior Therapist and author of "Celebrate! ADHD!" whole-heartedly agrees. As a behavioral consultant to school districts, he has encouraged the teachers he's worked with "to proactively celebrate each child's gifts and passions ... rather than focusing on the disability." When people are taught to focus on "what each child can contribute with his particular gifts", Mr. Martin states that it keeps the focus on the positives.

Give siblings tools just in case they have to deal with teasing. Whether a child's disability is visible or not, there may be times when teasing may occur. Though this is unfortunate, it is also the reality, as teasing is not isolated to children with disabilities. In order to help her children cope with teasing, Shumaker keeps lines of communication open so her boys can discuss it, but she also helps them with active phrases ("takes one to know one" for example) to use when and if teasing occurs. She also encourages her nondisabled sons to educate others about her son's disability.

Make time for each child, and don't let the disability run the house. Glick notes that there may be times when the needs of the typically developing child go unnoticed because of the demands of the child with the disability. This can cause resentment and anger, and it just shouldn't happen. Shumaker is careful not to let any of her boys get lost in the shuffle of autism. Whether it is attending extracurricular activities for one child or having a one-on-one dinner with another, all children in the family need to feel special and unique.

All siblings will compare rules of the house, but there is no denying that if one of your children has a disability, unique situations will arise. Keeping communication lines open, focusing on skill sets, and modeling mutual respect will help the entire family.

Resources:

Toby Glick is a parent consultant in New York City, Westchester County, New York, and Bergen County, New Jersey. For more help, visit her website, ParentConfidante.com.

Laura Shumaker has tips for families at 5MinutesForSpecialNeeds.com.

Kirk Martin is the founder of Celebrate Calm and is the author of "Celebrate! ADHD!" Read more at CelebrateCalm.com.

Mary Calhoun Brown is an award winning author of "There Are No Words" and has a series of Youtube videos designed for educators and parents of children with special needs. For more information, visit MaryCalhounBrown.com.

Julia Garstecki is an educator and freelance writer living in Bemus Point, New York. Currently, she works as a student supervisor with the State University of New York at Fredonia. Her passion for education is second only to her passion for her children.