The Do's and Don'ts of Co-Parenting and Blended Family Parenting
“But you don’t understand. She always does this!” The divorced father of three ranted about his ex-wife. He was frustrated and exhausted. And honestly, he looked a little terrified. Every parent knows that absolutely nothing gets to the very center of you like somebody threatening your relationship with your children. And every divorced parent knows, all too unfortunately, that experiencing the fear of losing your children is a common part of the divorce process.
So then, two individuals go through the harrowing ordeal of divorce. They are now faced with the complicated reality of being civil and cooperative with this person who—to put it frankly—they have just divorced for a reason! Friends, this is a hard truth: You do not have the luxury of making decisions that only impact yourself. (Pause here; breathe. It’s going to be okay.) Because within this seemingly impossible situation, you can also know that you are not the first person to walk this road; others have gone before you. In fact, the field of psychology has a good body of research on co-parenting, so here are a few do’s and don’ts to help you navigate these often choppy waters.
1 DO put the children first. This is the filter through which all of your decisions must pass; everything else on this list flows from this one ultimate rule. Regardless of your custody arrangement or the history of your relationship with your co-parent, your decisions still impact your children. Put the children’s safety and wellbeing first in every decision.
2 DON’T badmouth the other parent. Again, it’s not just about you anymore. Is it unreasonable to expect someone to heal from heartbreak, disappointment or even betrayal—and still consider others’ needs? Perhaps. But this is where you find yourself. Do not perpetuate damage to your children by badmouthing your co-parent.
3 DO understand that biological parents make the rules and bonus parents uphold them. Biological (or original) parents must be the primary authorities for the children, with bonus parents playing a supportive role. This needs to happen especially if your relationship is new; but bonus parents should be prepared for the scenario that they will always “play second fiddle” when it comes to parenting.
This guideline can be difficult for those newlyweds who are very in love and excited to be “one big, happy family.” The new couple feels an amazing affection for each other and just like anyone else who is in love, they want everyone else to be as excited as they are—including their children! But it’s important to remember that you are making decisions that your kids have to live with. Even if it’s going to be the best thing that ever happened to them, they may need time and space to warm up to their new situation. The winning strategy here on the part of the parents is “easy does it.”
4 DON’T be spiteful or hold grudges. Spite is defined as “deliberately hurting, annoying, or offending someone,” and holding a grudge is “being resentfully unwilling to give, grant or allow something.” Probably the biggest portion of the counseling I conduct with blended families is around the damage caused by spitefulness and retaliation. At some point, if you and your kids are going to survive this, somebody has to be the bigger person. And keep in mind that you can only control your own behaviors and nobody else’s. Sometimes, the best tactic is the following mantra: do not engage, do not engage, do not engage…
5 DO be honest and straightforward. Honesty is the building block of any relationship and the very foundation for co-parenting. Scrupulously evaluate yourself for honesty and transparency, especially if you’re the offending party in regards to the divorce. Dishonesty also erodes cooperation; it can force the other person to make decisions without your input.
6 DO respect each other’s turf. This one is huge: Understand the difference between matters of preference and matters of safety. You may prefer that your children enjoy freshly prepared, organic, non-GMO meals at their father’s house, but let’s face it—there’s a good chance they’re eating corn dogs and Cheetos instead. This isn’t a battle you’re going to win. On the other hand, if you were to discover that your 3-year-old was riding in the car without a car seat, you would be justified in using the appropriate channels to ensure your child’s safety (outside of the child’s awareness).
Another way to respect each other’s turf is to keep transitions (drop-offs and pick-ups) short and sweet. Do not get overly emotional, and don’t discuss matters of finances or placement in front of the kids.
In all of my hours of conducting psychotherapy, I have never met a single person who entered into divorce lightly. It is an anguishing decision for all, even when it is necessary. This why I care so much about blended families—because life is imperfect and people are imperfect, and we may as well all work together to make the best of it.