Embracing the Chaos of New Fatherhood, Ready or Not
I’m a father.
Yeah. I can’t believe it, either.
It’s been hard for me to think of myself as dad material. Measured against my own dad, I fall embarrassingly short. Sometimes I wonder, when Elizabeth gazes up at me, wide-eyed and quiet, if she knows this. Or at least suspects that I’m not ready.
I certainly wasn’t ready that first night, on no sleep and little patience, sequestered in recovery with my wife, Laura, and that new little stranger who required so much.
Between learning how to care for and feed a newborn and the physical, mental and emotional exhaustion of the day, that first night was tough. The next morning on the phone, I told Mom and Dad that I’d started rethinking this whole father thing. I was only half joking.
But nearly three months in, I’m feeling better about it. I’m settling into a role for which I am spectacularly unprepared and wholeheartedly determined not to screw up too badly.
Laura, of course, is brilliant.
Before Elizabeth arrived, she’d read all the books, talked to young mothers and logged endless hours online researching Everything About Babies. She’d monitored her diet and stayed in shape. She’d thought through feeding schedules, supplies and logistics.
She’d done the homework. She knew what was coming. I did not.
It wasn’t because I wasn’t interested. And I didn’t not prepare. I’d done the traditional “fatherly” things: painting the nursery, assembling the furniture, plotting the financial arrangements, baby-proofing the home. I’d gone with Laura to register for baby showers, gave thoughtful consideration to diaper bags and car seats, and spent hours upon hours weighing what we’d name her.
I even read a great book for fathers-to-be called “The Expectant Father,” by Armin Brott and Jennifer Ash, and devoured, with great appetite, each and every BabyCenter.com newsletter plotting our daughter’s growth, week by week.
But when it came to the nuts and bolts of what our lives would look like after Elizabeth arrived, I was oblivious. And now I’m playing catch-up.
This has required some adjustments, particularly when it comes to time management. Looking back, I’m astonished at how much time I had on my hands, pre-Elizabeth. I squandered some of it, reading the Internet and binge-watching Netflix. But I also spent a lot of extra hours at work, a trap most of us get sucked into.
So now I’m trying to work faster and more efficiently. Most days, I don’t linger too long at the office. I’m trying to delegate more to a talented staff that’s more than capable of picking up where I leave off. And, yes, I’ve even watched a few episodes of “Game of Thrones” on my iPhone, rocking Elizabeth to sleep in my arms.
I’ve also tried to “embrace the chaos.” That’s the personal guidepost of a friend who’s had more experience as a father and husband. And during the last few weeks, it’s really helped my world view.
Because it’s easy for me to look around the house and become overwhelmed by the little domestic tasks left undone, sabotaged by baby’s sneak attacks: a half-filled basket of clothes in front an open dryer door; the bed just barely made, its pillows lacking the shams; the trash left haphazardly by the door to the garage; my wife’s cellphone and a used burp cloth laying by the play mat splayed out on the living room floor; my office in disarray, desk piled high with papers and bills and checks half-written.
All this stuff—things left lying around, undone, nearly-but-not-quite accomplished as we tend to our little Elizabeth—would usually drive me mad with an urge to put away, do, complete. But, as my friend says, sometimes you’ve got to “embrace the chaos.” There are, and will be, worse things than this. I mean, Elizabeth isn’t even crawling yet!
But being a dad is more about mastering the tedious tasks of everyday childcare. It’s also about parenting: keeping your child safe, educating her and helping her learn to make good decisions.
On that front, the jury’s still out. I still have no idea what kind of parent I’ll be. Laura and I are lucky to have good role models, so we know good parents look like, even if we’re not sure how they did it.
And the truth is, they probably don’t know how they did it, either. I figure that my dad, looking down at me nearly 40 years ago, didn’t think he was ready either. But he made his adjustments and, like me today, had a brilliant partner to lean on.
Lance Turner has been with Arkansas Business Publishing Group since 1999, overseeing content for ABPG websites including ArkansasBusiness.com, where he edits the Daily Report enewsletter. He also delivers daily business news on “THV 11 This Morning” and is a regular panelist on AETN’s weekly public affairs program, “Arkansas Week.” He and wife Laura welcomed their first child, Elizabeth, in June—the topic of this month’s Family Chatter. You can follow their adventures, and those of their corgi Carly, on Instagram @lanceturner.