We’ve all seen her. The kid in the supermarket throwing a screaming fit because her mom said “no” to the candy she wanted. And we’ve all pledged to never be her mom. But then, we had her -- our own child who grew into our very own supermarket tantrum-thrower. “How did I become that mom?” we ask.

All children throw tantrums at one time or another, though some more than others. The good thing, according to Dr. Nicholas Long, director of Arkansas Children’s Hospital Center for Effective Parenting, is that as children reach pre-school age, the tantrums become easier to predict. “The tantrums tend to occur more predictably, such as around bedtime, mealtime, certain activities/transitions,” he said. So parents can anticipate their coming. “Temper tantrums in this age group tend to occur most often when children don’t get their way or are told to do something they don’t want to do,” Long said.

The bad news is that the tantrums can also become more aggressive in nature. “It is important that parents don’t let these tantrums work (doesn’t result in the child getting his/her way),” Long said. “If they do, they will get worse.” So the best approach, Long said, is for parents to simply ignore the tantrums (as long as the child is safe and not being destructive or aggressive.) Even though children this age are more verbal, they are at a stage of cognitive development where verbal reasoning about inappropriate behavior is typically not going to very effective in changing their behavior.

One tool that may be useful, Long said, is “time-out.” However, “time-out” must be used correctly. Some tips for implementing “time-out” are as follows: choose a location away from toys or anything entertaining; have child sit in a straight-back chair; child should not be allowed to talk in time-out; time-outs should last one minute for each year of age up to a maximum of five minutes. (For a full hand-out on the effective use of “time-out,” visit parenting-ed.org.)

Yet the best of all techniques for discipline, which actually means “to teach,” is to encourage and affirm children when they are behaving well, Long said. The Center for Effective Parenting calls this approach “time-in.” The Center’s website says, “What determines the effectiveness of ‘time-out’ or almost any other discipline technique is ‘time-in’... the positive interactions and feedback children receive when they are not misbehaving.” (A hand-out on “time-in” is available at parenting-ed.org as well.)

Some children; however, are especially strong-willed, meaning they need even more consistency/structure in parenting, especially in terms of how parents handle tantrums and disruptive behavior. Strong-willed children are those who feel their wants and needs strongly, let you know just how they feel, and assert their independence. Parents of these children may need additional resources, such as parenting classes or professional help, to address disruptive behavior. For more information, you can find Dr. Long’s book “Parenting the Strong-Willed Child,” available on Amazon.com.

Thankfully, parents of preschoolers should be on the back side of the “tantrum” stage. Though older children may have occasional tantrums, they generally peak by age four, Long said. He also said that if a child’s tantrums do not decrease as they get older, or if they are having a significant impact on the family and/or at school, parents should consult their child’s health care provider.

What Real Moms Say…

Amy: “I always remember when a relative’s child would start to throw a fit; everyone would start clapping and cheering. It’s so funny to watch them stop and wonder “what the heck!”

Kristie: “With our 3-year-old, we ignore unless it’s just unbearable to listen to. If that’s the case, we give her the option to continue the tantrum, only she has to do it in her room with the door shut.”

Jacie: “We send our 3-year-old to his room with his door shut until he’s finished and wants to come back out and have a talk.”