Children are caught in the crossfire of divorce. There’s no way around it. Divorcing parents are tasked with mitigating the effects on their children rather than preventing them altogether.

Ken Clark, founder and clinical director at Chenal Family Therapy, says collaborative divorce that puts children first is the best way to reduce the negative effects of divorce.

“I would encourage parents to be selfish about the right things, which is the long-term adult relationship with their children,” Clark said. “You don’t want to be the layover on Thanksgiving. You don’t want to be where they stop on the way to the place that they really want to go. To that end, you need to be somebody that gives them a voice and gives them a choice. And makes sure that they’re heard in that process.”

This approach calls on parents to consider how they are changing their child’s life above all other concerns. For instance, pre-teens and teens aren’t as excited about hanging out with their parents. So if it’s one parent’s weekend when a kid want to go out with friends, don’t stand in the way. Social development is more important at this stage than hanging out with Mom or Dad.

The larger point is that this is a long process. Childhood and adolescence are relatively short periods when compared to adult life. Parents who do what they can now to promote a healthy adult relationship with their children are better served. This includes being magnanimous about the divorce, Clark said.

It’s also important to note that divorce affects people in many ways; kids may become distracted or start to act out, but it’s important not to overreact. Clark said the best approach is to get both parents together and ask the child what is going on.

Avoid leading kids to the conclusion that they are upset because of the divorce. If it isn’t on their mind, parents shouldn’t plant the idea that the divorce is to blame. If the parents are unsuccessful at getting answers as to why kids are acting out or slacking off, therapy becomes an option.

“When Mom and Dad, which is their whole world, are breaking up, you don’t have much interest in memorizing state capitols,” Clark says. “One of the things that happens a lot is that otherwise healthy divorces too quickly drag the kids into therapy and tell them, ‘something is wrong with you.’ The reality is that it’s supposed to be hard to deal with. Sometimes you’ve just gotta survive it.”

With small children, it’s important to watch patterns in their play, Clark said. The feelings associated with the divorce often manifest as anger with them. Violent play is a strong indicator that small children may be struggling with the strain of divorce.

“If you see angry play, where you didn’t see angry play before, that may be a place to involve a therapeutic approach,” Clark says.

During or after a divorce, parents may express their frustration with the other parent by putting them down to the kids and this is incredibly hurtful to children. This can confirm feelings of fault in children, because these put downs can crop up when a child reminds one parent of the other, Clark said.

Statements like, “that right there is why I’m divorcing your Dad,” can cause long-term damage to parent-child relationships.

By focusing on children in divorce, parents can reduce collateral damage and fallout from the split. After all, children are innocent bystanders in the process. Put the kids first, and do it together.