Bullying is much like a Gordian Knot which is a metaphor for a seemingly impossible problem. It dates back to the time of Alexander the Great. Alexander was challenged to unravel the Knot. He ended up slicing it with his sword. Complex problems require thinking outside the box, looking at all sides, and cutting to the chase. No matter if your loved one is a bully or is being bullied, the problem is complex and requires great thought and immediate attention.

Caring, emotionally invested people are the key to combatting bullying. Little Rock Family is committed to arming you with key information and resources to help you face off against bullying. Whether you are a bully or are bullied, speak up, get help and reach out. Our hope and dream is for everyone to have a BULLY-FREE NEW YEAR!

This month and next you’ll find expert advice from Ally Orsi, LCSW with Methodist Family Health in Little Rock. She has worked as a psychotherapist for 20 years and applies her wealth of knowledge and experience to helping families address bullying appropriately in their lives.

Sophie’s Story

Sophie was a good soccer player. She wasn’t the best on the team or the worst. She was just a really good, solid teammate—a hard worker with great attitude. Like most 9-year-old girls, she had a snaggle-toothed grin, loved playing with Barbies and was caught somewhere between little kid and impending tween cool.

It seemed she had played soccer since she could barely walk. She loved it and was on the same team with some of her closest friends for several years. Naturally, things get a little more serious as children develop, but Sophie’s family noticed her coach had become more volatile over the years. He used occasional profanity, grabbed the players and directed demoralizing fits of rage toward the players when things weren’t going as he wished.

Sophie’s family became increasingly concerned about the impact this was having on her and decided to have her play on a different team the following season. They tried to handle things as discreetly as possible and instructed Sophie to answer any questions from the other children with, “My parents just decided to place me in a different league for a little while.” Her friends and former teammates continually quizzed her about the change.

Then it began. The children who were once her “friends” were now her bullies. Since they knew her so well, they knew exactly where to drive their verbal knives. Sophie had staining on her teeth from medication that would require treatment at a later age. The kids said, “You’re nasty. You must not brush her teeth.” They relentlessly called her “fat” and told her she “sucked at sports.” The children were very cunning and made sure their behavior was not detected by teachers. Sophie attempted to stay away from them and play with other kids. The bullies would follow her around to continue their verbal assaults.

Sophie’s family tried to counsel her on the appropriate ways to handle the situation. Teachers and administrators were notified. The other girls were unfazed by teacher warnings and continued their attacks. Since nothing physical had happened and it was a case of she said-she said, the situation was extremely difficult to squelch.

Meanwhile, Sophie increasingly felt hopeless, depressed and isolated. The school counselor met with Sophie discreetly to help, but the girls would quiz her on her every move and ramp up their attacks. It seemed to be a black hole for Sophie with no way out. Sophie’s parents removed her from that school in order to save the beautiful, spirited little girl they knew still existed deep down.

Sophie is now flourishing! Her story has a happy ending. But what about other families who are unable to switch schools or change their child’s environment, or those who find out about bullying after it seems to have gone too far?

How can young kids be so methodical and malicious? Tragically, some version of this story plays out every day…everywhere. Orsi says, “We often don’t pay enough attention to emotional and psychological abuse, yet it ends in death. Too many people stay silent when they should say something.”

Beyond the Policy

Ask yourself and your school what is actually being done to combat bullying. Are there merely words on signs speaking against the issue or are people really doing something? Ask how you can help!

The Bully & The Bullied

The Ages & Stages of Bullying
Forms of bullying begin as early as preschool and extend into adulthood.  Ally Orsi, LCSW says, “Bullying is an abnormal focus on someone else.  And, words CAN hurt you.” From young to old, bullying can look like physical aggressions and emotional abuse and manipulation.

Bullying by Gender

Male: Female:
Generally, males bully through intimidation, threats, shame, humiliation and questioning another’s masculinity. Physically agitating or dominating others progresses to hitting, poking, kicking, etc. They are commonly driven by their own insecurity and desire for power. They lack empathy for others and are often victims of abuse themselves. The fairer sex is not fair at all when it comes to bullying. They engage in mental warfare, with physical violence (generally) not as common. They focus on loss of relationships, back-stabbing, social sabotage and reputation attacks. Female bullies are also driven by insecurity or desire for power. They lack empathy and mirror learned behaviors.

The Opposite Sex & Aggression
Boys DO bully girls and girls DO bully boys. It is often associated with feelings about the other person that the bully does not process in a healthy way. This is a form of social/domestic violence caused by a child’s environment, insecurities or mental illness. It presents itself emotionally, physically and sexually.

Bullying at the Speed of Technology
Tech-based bullies are more bold with their abuse, because they feel a sense of anonymity. It’s actually cowardly and illegal. Orsi shares, “With online bullying, you’ve got it in writing. It’s terroristic threatening and you can track it.”  This type of bullying occurs through any tech-based communication such as social media, emails/texts, video games, etc. Bullies go as far as creating fake identities, accounts and profiles. 

What’s a Parent, Teacher, Community To Do?

  • Evaluate your behavior and that of your child’s.
  • Remember, kids learn what they live.
  • Set example of strength, compassion, respect, empathy and kindness.
  • Communication is key.  Listen.
  • Know your child, their friends and what touches their lives.

Resources
50StatesAgainstBullying.com
ParentingScience.com/Teaching-Empathy-Tips.html
ParentFurther.com
StopBullying.gov
TheHotline.org
(National Domestic Abuse Hotline 800-799-7233)
TheNewBully.com

Books on Bullying
“Best Friends Worst Enemies” by Michael Thompson
“Don’t Be a Bully, Billy” by Phil Roxbee Cox
“Hands are not for Hitting” by Catherine DePino
“No Bullies Allowed: Here Comes Smelly Nellie” by Teddie Slater
“Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls” by Rachel Simmons
“The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander” by Barbara Coloroso
“Thirteen Reasons Why” by Joel Asher

The Coming Event

The Protectors – Freedom from Bullying Seminar for Parents
Paul Coughlin, President and Founder of The Protectors
“Bringing Justice, Safety, and Compassion into the Theatre of Bullying”
Thursday, January 22 • 6:30 p.m. • FREE!
Little Rock Christian Academy, 19010 Cantrell Road, Little Rock